Throughout my life, I have found that the best way to process emotion, be it positive or negative, is to simply sit and write. So, dear internet, that is what I am doing; writing until the feelings of worthlessness and anxiety pass away, until the keyboard absorbs the emotions that are currently wrecking havoc in my brain.
This summer, I stopped working as a teacher since I will be getting married to the LOVE OF MY LIFE in November and I wanted to shift career paths. When I say "shift career paths" it sounds so adult, so responsible and well-thought out. All I know is that I could not continue working at the school, attempting to teach Spanish grammar (me! grammar!) to kids who could not care less about anything that they couldn't download from the app store.
I had felt this way about teaching since my second year, as if I was a round peg in a square hole, a teacher who preferred to spend her summer at an archaeological dig in Palestine than running a summer camp and making some extra cash. I loved the students, I really did, but I couldn't deal with the mind-numbing routine, with the apathy, with the boredom. I think what really sealed my decision was when I began looking at Masters in Education programs and heard a tiny voice inside say "I don't like this, I don't want to take these classes or learn these things". For me to not want to take a class signifies that it holds zero value to me.
I have fought and wrestled with my decision. It was only after meeting Dany and with his support that I decided to leave, with no clear plan of what to do or where to go. Back to school? Private sector? Public? And most importantly, doing what? What can I actually do? I feel that I have this old, beat up tool-box with the most random skills. Experience with kids? Check. Knowledge of a dig site? Check. Elementary Arabic? Check. Relevant work experience? Uncheck.
So this is where I am--a former teacher with no job and no direction. Dany and I made the decision that I would not work full time until after we get married so that we could take a long honeymoon, but part of me is regretting that decision. I just want to DO something, feel myself be valuable and needed. Which is perhaps the reason God wants me to not have a job right now--because I need to learn that my value does not come from my job or how much I make. And I know that, I swear I do...it just gets a little stuck on the way from the head to the heart.
If there's one thing I hope to learn from this time, it is to live in the present. Not ruminating over the past, not forecasting the future, but in the moment, I mean really in the moment. If I don't I risk driving myself insane for these next few months. I owe to my family. I owe it to my fiancé. And I owe it to myself to grow stronger from this challenge.
This summer, I stopped working as a teacher since I will be getting married to the LOVE OF MY LIFE in November and I wanted to shift career paths. When I say "shift career paths" it sounds so adult, so responsible and well-thought out. All I know is that I could not continue working at the school, attempting to teach Spanish grammar (me! grammar!) to kids who could not care less about anything that they couldn't download from the app store.
I had felt this way about teaching since my second year, as if I was a round peg in a square hole, a teacher who preferred to spend her summer at an archaeological dig in Palestine than running a summer camp and making some extra cash. I loved the students, I really did, but I couldn't deal with the mind-numbing routine, with the apathy, with the boredom. I think what really sealed my decision was when I began looking at Masters in Education programs and heard a tiny voice inside say "I don't like this, I don't want to take these classes or learn these things". For me to not want to take a class signifies that it holds zero value to me.
I have fought and wrestled with my decision. It was only after meeting Dany and with his support that I decided to leave, with no clear plan of what to do or where to go. Back to school? Private sector? Public? And most importantly, doing what? What can I actually do? I feel that I have this old, beat up tool-box with the most random skills. Experience with kids? Check. Knowledge of a dig site? Check. Elementary Arabic? Check. Relevant work experience? Uncheck.
So this is where I am--a former teacher with no job and no direction. Dany and I made the decision that I would not work full time until after we get married so that we could take a long honeymoon, but part of me is regretting that decision. I just want to DO something, feel myself be valuable and needed. Which is perhaps the reason God wants me to not have a job right now--because I need to learn that my value does not come from my job or how much I make. And I know that, I swear I do...it just gets a little stuck on the way from the head to the heart.
If there's one thing I hope to learn from this time, it is to live in the present. Not ruminating over the past, not forecasting the future, but in the moment, I mean really in the moment. If I don't I risk driving myself insane for these next few months. I owe to my family. I owe it to my fiancé. And I owe it to myself to grow stronger from this challenge.
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